Parenting Parents: The Long Goodbye

 

Day 1 - Le 19:32 "‘Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.

The greatest gift we can give to those who are aging is RESPECT. It is the key to their mental health and their ability to trust us with the life changes that are required as they progress through the changes that are inevitable as we age. The loss of independence is overwhelming especially if they feel they have lost the ability to make a difference and their self respect is gone. Today is the day to start this process with a family member who is ageing. If we create good communication and show respect now, it will make the transitions ahead much easier.

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Day 2 - Job 12:12 Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?

One of the primary ways to show respect is to value the wisdom that has come through the years in a person’s life. Look for opportunities to allow an ageing person to share their life experiences and what they have learned from them. When we listen we show our respect and the value we have for a person. The old adage is true “if we do not learn from the past we are destined to repeat it”. Listening could well be life for both the ageing and ourselves.

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Day 3 - Proverbs 16:31 Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. 

Most people who live long also have regrets, things we wish we had done and things we wish we had not. We all have a need to know our life counted for something and that we did not just mark time. Speaking of the impact a person had on our lives is a powerful way to show respect. In the areas where the ageing have blessed us, note it, celebrate it and use them to empower and give respect to those who are ageing.

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Day 4 - Proverbs 20:29 The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old. 

In our day and age we look for any way to push back, lift, tuck and color away the effects of ageing. Our passion to stay young is based in our fear that ageing will render us useless, unattractive, undesirable and unwanted. Our fears are very powerful motivators and we also react very defensively when our fears are driving us. 1John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”.  Defeat the fear and ugly side effects, which can sour the ageing, with some love.

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Day 5 - Proverbs 23:22 Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. 

It is so easy in the busyness of life to overlook the rich resource provided in our parents and the ageing. While the tools and technology has changed, the guiding principles of life are unchanging. Some “good old fashion wisdom” can often be just what we need. Resist the temptation to write off the ageing as out of touch, their unique vantage point may be the breath of fresh air we need.

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From Sermon notes:

 

Practical Preparation:

·      Most important - get a long term health policy

·      Have a conversation early about the financial stability for long-term care

·      Encourage financial planning

·      Make sure there is a Will, a living will, and a durable power of attorney

·      Look for a good doctor who is familiar with the most recent medications

·      Social workers can be very helpful

·      Home health care, can be provided by insurance, or hired through an agency

·      Physical needs for the home to consider - .a ramp, wheelchairs, hospital bed, hand rails.

 

Mentally Prepared:

·      Responsibility versus obligation

·      There are also lots of blessings along the way 

We need to talk about death AND LIFE. 

 

FIVE STAGES OF DYING: 

DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE 

DENIAL: I'm too young to die. I'm not ready to die (is anyone ever really ready?). You don't just get up some morning and say, "Well, I'm ready to die today". Even when a physician informs one that nothing can be done for them the feeling that some mistake must have been made is in the dying person's mind. The prediction from ones physician of imminent death can do several things. It can give you time to prepare, take care of business, close doors, make amends. The shock begins to ebb as you come to grips with approaching death.

ANGER: Suddenly you are not in control of your life, or death. You have no choice......you are going to die. You have always known this, no one has come out and stated it as a fact before. It makes you angry, you feel so helpless especially at first, then guilt climbs upon your back.  Anger is directed at everyone and no one in particular. It is a sense of loss of control which is likely not a new feeling if you have endured a long illness. It is normal. Anger is in its own, a sense of strength. It can also be debilitating.

BARGAINING: You are willing now to compromise. No use denying it, anger comes and goes so perhaps you can make a deal with God! You are willing to promise to do or not to do specific things if only you can be given more time. It can be based on an upcoming event that is important to you. You can be suffering from insecurities regarding a member of your family or a loved one who you feel is yet dependent on you. There can be a rift that has never been eliminated that needs to be further addressed. You are not free to go until these reasons can be alleviated once and for all. You are hoping yet and eager to deal!

DEPRESSION: This is such a normal part of the process of preparing to die. You are already depressed about your incapability in dealing with responsibility, projects and the situation of every day life. Symptoms of terminal illness are impossible to ignore. You are fully aware that death is inevitable. Aware, angry and filled with sorrow and here again the culprit of guilt sneaks in as you mourn for yourself and the pain that this is causing your  family and loved ones. Another totally NORMAL phase.

ACCEPTANCE: This comes after you work though the numerous conflicts and feelings that death brings. You can succumb to the inevitable as you become more tired and weakness hangs on. You become less emotional, calmness arrives and banishes fear along with joy or sadness. You realize the battle is almost over and now it's really alright for you to die.

 

Acceptance is not giving up, it IS coming to terms with reality. It is accepting that every day can be lived with strength, hope and dignity no matter how few we have.  Death is after all, just a part of LIFE, and TRUE LIFE doesn’t begin until we step from this life into the next.