Divorce - Before During and After

Day 1 - Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Additional Reading Mal 2:13-16)

God hates divorce because of the devastation it brings and also because He has the power through willing people to bring wholeness to every marriage. I say “will people” because he will not force Himself on a person, and we are free to resist or reject His offer of healing and wholeness. Personally I experience His hate for divorce as I deal with the children and spouses who are still dealing with the pain of a divorce and struggle for years, and in some cases a life time, as a result. This is not a loving father hating His kids, it is a loving father hating divorce that damages His children and Him seeking every way possible to help them avoid it.

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Day 2 – First Century No Fault divorce - Matt 19:3 “Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (Additional Reading Matt 19:3-10)

It is tempting for some people to assume that Jesus spoke in a very different time than ours and the words of scripture are outdated. From our passage today we see their “No Fault Divorces” were actually easier than ours. They could divorce for “any and every reason” Jesus goes on to say Matt 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."” I love the disciples’ reaction to Jesus. They say, this is crazy talk!! If it’s that way, we should not even get married. This ends up being the same reaction to the passages today. But this crazy talk is the path to LIFE.

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Day 3 - Matt 19:8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

The Hardness of Heart is the real issue when we look at divorce. Hardness of heart can come from rebellion but also from hurt, disappointment, woundedness, and the list goes on. We become hardened, we lose hope, the hope that a relationship can be saved, healthy, joyous, fulfilling, and life long. The result is usually a divorce or a miserable existence still in the marriage. God is not honored by either! The thought that a couple will stay together in dysfunction is not more pleasing to God than a divorce is, both dishonor Him. His word gives us a path to life and when we don’t allow Him to empower us to life His father’s heart is broken. He wants couples to honor one another above themselves, and find His healing for their woundedness and power to overcome their sinful behavior and create a healthy and loving home. Hardened people don’t get it, it takes a teachable, forgiving and healthy heart to bring this health AND He has the power to give us this new heart.

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Day 4 – Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Additional Reading Eph 5:21-33)

Loving families have husbands and wives who mutually submit to one another. Eph 5: 21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. Our society with its self-centered attitude is creating the problem of unhappy people in dysfunctional marriages. Half my counseling load is listening to people tell me why they cannot be the man or woman of God they are supposed to be because of what other people are doing. If that is what we believe life will never change. Only when we stop making excuses and start taking personal responsibility for our actions will health and life come. This is never truer than in a marriage. The answer to the majority of the marriage problems in the world can be solved when a man and woman stop making excuses for their own behavior and acting Godly regardless of what the other person does. Only then will things turn around AND its not for a day or two, but for life. Just think what would happen if both spouses do this.

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Day 5 -  Matt 5:31 "It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. (Additional Reading 1 Cor 7:1-17)

These are very strong words and we do not want to minimize them at all, but we do want to understand them clearly. Divorce causes people to break their vows no matter how you slice it, both people are left to live single or enter a new relationship, which is adultery to the original vows we have taken. The phrase “causes her to become an adulteress” assumes she will remarry. Some have interpreted this as a person becomes a life long adulteress, but that is not the meaning. The passage is stressing that the actions of one person unfaithful to their vows plunges the other into the same place. We see in the additional reading that the church was trying to sort out how to deal with divorce and the immoral society they live in. Paul begins by saying “since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” Their time, especially for Christians was very uncertain, persecution was heavy at times and many were in marriages to unbelievers in a very immoral society (sound familiar). Here legalism does not help us, we are not trying to find the law we must keep, but the health and godliness we must pursue to find health and life. We see Paul trying to give broad guidelines to a very difficult situation. The general theme is try to honor the vows in every way possible, but he acknowledges that it is impossible to keep a spouse from leaving, and if they do, a person is free from the vow although not free from the effects of it. To be truly free and healed from the effects of divorce we have to come to God and find His healing and restoration.  It is only in His healing that we can enter any other relationship and be healthy and have a life long commitment.

 

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Divorce is the result of a death of Hope, the hope that a relationship can be saved, healthy, joyous, fulfilling, and life long.

 

I believe most divorces begin with a series of bad assumptions and decisions. That may even predate the introduction of the couple.

 

Starter Marriage: A new term for early divorce

By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY

A starter marriage is a first marriage that lasts five years or less and ends before the couple has children. Starter Wife - Debera Messing  USA Network

Pamela Paul, 30, an editor at American Demographics, says her research shows that "the most common time for a marriage to end in divorce is in the first five years. And of those early divorces, about one-quarter end within two years."

*            The divorces of parents. "These are the first children of the divorce generation," Paul says. Their parents split in the "spike of divorces in the early '70s," after states began changing their no-fault divorce laws, making ending marriages easier. These parents didn't serve as role models for staying together.

*            Lack of guidance from parents. Aware that they themselves had divorced, parents backed off talking about what makes marriage work, Paul says. The parents' mantra became, "Whatever makes you happy."

*            Culture of impatience. "We are a one-click culture," she says, "an impatient generation in an impatient society" that wants to download life quickly. When the young hit a pothole, they abandon the road. "It felt easy to move on, especially if they felt they were nipping something bad in the bud."

*            Immaturity. "Many said, 'We just met, but we were totally in love.' They rushed to the altar."

*            Living together. Many didn't rush to the altar, trying instead to switch from a "trial marriage" to a real one, believing that seemed the next logical step. It didn't work. Divorce rates are higher for those who have lived together — some studies show up to 48% higher — than for those who have not cohabited.

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Starter Marriage: A new term for early divorce
By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2002-01-28-starter-marriage.htm 

Maintaining bad marriages can hurt kids
By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY -

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2001-12-13-usat-divorce.htm 

Unhappily wed? Put off getting that divorce
By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/behavior/2002-07-11-divorce.htm